When Tempers Flare - Five Tips to Manage Your Anger in the Heat of the Moment

Emotions happen. We can, however, make choices about how we manage them. If you consider emotions as energy, you can begin to reframe the notion that there are "good" and "bad" emotions, and instead, work with the energy and direct it in positive ways.

The energy of anger, for example, can cause you to become reactive. Or you can use their energy to gain clarity – about what's so charged for you and what you're really going for in the relationship. When you regain control, you can direct your emotional energy with intention. And you begin a useful emotional practice.

Five Tips to Manage Your Anger in the Heat of the Moment:

• Stop, breathe, and center yourself. Under stress, we usually stop breathing. Without knowing it we close the throat, tense up, and get ready for a fight. We react to the perceived opponent and lose perspective, awareness, and the ability to make wise choices – just when we need these faculties the most. So stop, notice your tension, and open your throat. Let the incoming breath reconnect you with a higher purpose so that you can engage your opponent in more purposeful ways.

   

   

• Become curious. Why would any reasonable human being behave this way? An attitude of curiosity is unbelievably useful in difficult moments. It introduces a learning stance and transforms anger. Curiosity brings you back to center.

   

   

• See the different parts of people. When we're angry, we see only the part of our "opponent" that we're upset with. Look for other parts – the big brother; loyal friend; doting grandma; proud mother – and talk to that part. You'll find yourself communicating differently.

   

   

• Inquire and listen. Asking an honest and sincere question to try to understand the other person is a powerful antidote to anger. As you become quiet and attentive, you also give yourself time to breathe, center, and regain control of your emotions. Listening is an art and an ally under stress.

   

   

• State your thoughts, hopes, and feelings. When you take the time to center yourself, understand your emotions, and listen to your conflict partner, you're more likely to communicate a message your partner can hear.

Anger can damage relationships, but it can also strengthen them. When you breathe, center, inquire, and respond intentionally, you begin a useful practice of directing your emotions with intention. And you're also more likely to be heard.

About the Author: Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict <http://www.unlikelyteachersbook.com> and the award-winning e-zine, Ki Moments, containing stories and practices on turning life's challenges into life teachers. Judy is a black belt in aikido and nationally known presenter, specializing in unique workshops on conflict, communication, and creating a positive work environment. She is the founder of Power & Presence Training and chief instructor of Portsmouth Aikido, Portsmouth, NH, USA. To sign up for more free tips and articles like these, visit http://www.JudyRinger.com